Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Update -and- it's my fault

Today is a very good day! I stepped on the scale...and I have lost 11 pounds total! 11 pounds out of the 20 I need to lose, soooo, that is a good day.

I have been waiting and depriving myself of such unhealthy yet delicious food, but when the time comes like this, it is certainly a payoff. I know when I get back to my normal weight I have to be careful about what I eat so I don't go right back up, but I know what to do and I know that I will maintain my weight once I get back there.

Life has been pretty slow lately. There is no traumatic news or huge update to tell you all. I am back at work; and I start my new job on the 10th of September. It is coming quick, and I am little nervous. Starting new jobs always scares me a little. Not knowing anyone and having to learn an entirely new set of rules, systems, etc., freaks me out. But I know I will be fine.

I realize I have not posted Background #5 yet so I promise I will get to that soon. I am not able to write as much during work because I actually have to train someone and concentrate on getting things done because I am leaving. However, I will do it soon.

It's funny that I usually only write a lot when things are stressful and I need to vent. When things are going well though, I guess I just want to savor them and not blog about them. But things with Chris are good. He is attending his meetings regularly and does things around the house so much.

I should really express how grateful and proud I am to him, but like I said, I tend to turn into a cold heartless bitch most of the time. I wish I knew how to not do that. I am the one who is making this not work; I am the one who is making this fail. I wish I could just magically fix that with my magical hoohah.

Now that I think about it, I really need to work on that - I just don't know how. I want to be more loving and open, but I am not doing a good job. I want to show him my gratefulness, my proudness. I am the reason for the problems. He did all he can do. I need to forgive and let go. So hard though. I am being incredibly bitter and shutting myself down. I don't know how to open myself up. He is making so much progress yet I am holding on to the past.

Wow. It's my fault. The way it is now - it's my fault.


Addicted 2 my addict said...

first of all congrats on the weight loss thats awsome. If you read my latest blog you will see i am not doing so well with that. Anyway stop blamming your self for everything. Just like me..yes maybe we should let go of somethings but its not easy, i no its not i have many resenments towrads him and its hard to let them go. I no it will happen it just takes time.

Amy said...

Maybe you can write down some of the way you feel, the good stuff that is so hard to express in words, and leave him notes, or send him letters. He has made progress and it is good for him to see that you see it and are proud of him. But you are still wounded and scared and that is why you shut down, fear of being hurt again, fear of being disappointed. But you are such a good writer, maybe writing it is easier. I think it would mean a lot to him if you tried - even something short, a few sentences left for him to find, would help, I bet. Think about giving it a try.

thejunkyswife said...

Yep...I think it was you who first mentioned the "I married an addict 20" that I'm presently shaving off, one miserable pound at the time. You're winning that race! Yay you!

And I think you shouldn't beat yourself up if you're not "over it" yet...forgiveness will come with time, and your heart will melt when you're ready. If your man is working his own program and doing his own thing the right way, I bet he understands...