Me

My name is April. That is my real name. I will not use a fake name for myself. But in the future, other names will be changed.

My name is April and I am married to a crack addict. I am 23-years-old. In the eyes of many, I am a baby. But I have had to face things that many people have never and will never face in their lives. I am a grown-up 23 yr. old. I have been married almost 9 months.

It is the first year of my first marriage and I am drowning in pain, in anger, and in utter confusion. I married a stranger. I married a man I had no knowledge about.

Every day is a struggle and I am someone I do not wish to be. I am consumed with anger and have no problem showing it to him at all times. As far as I am concerned, he ruined what could have been the start of a beautiful marriage. As far as I am concerned, he ruined what trust we had.

I knew that something was going on. But I am one of those women, one of those people, who hates change. Who would rather live a horrible existence than face any kind of new or unfamiliar thing. I would spend nights alone. I would wake up at 2 in the morning to him not being there. I would call and leave frantic, scared, turning to threatening messages. But it wouldn't matter. Nothing would happen. I would hear nothing back.

I was a newlywed in my own sad, scared web of lies.

He had lie after lie after lie. Saying he had to work late - saying his boss made him stay. I am not stupid. I didn't believe him. But pressing the issue was not getting me anywhere.

He would come home late and I would slap him, I would hit him as hard as I could as I was sobbing. He always apologized. Always said he was sorry, there was nothing he could do. He broke my heart over and over.

The truth only came out when he was arrested.

I am hoping this blog will help me release some of myself. I am hoping others will read this and help, share their own experiences, or get hope from mine.

I am not who I want to be. I am not the person I thought I would. I am not where I wanted to be. I am merely a supporter. I am the bread-winner. I am the provider. I am broken and I do not know how to heal.