Saturday, July 07, 2007

Breaking the rules

We went out with friend last night. We went to a comedy club in the city. Oh, how I love the city. I call it the city because it is way more massive than the suburb I live in. I love the people going about their business, so many people, so many things to watch! I love everything about it. I love the energy and I love how it is never dead.

So Chris broke all the rules of probation last night. Okay, not quite all of them. But we did go to two bars, where he hesitantly drank 4? bottles of beer. Not much, but still. He then proceeded to smoke quite a few cigarettes, something he proclaims that he does not do "normally." We then all squeezed into a Chevy Cavalier, 5 of us that is, and proceeded to drive further into the city, everyone but me having no license. And I don't mean, "Whoops! They forgot it!" I mean, they literally do not HAVE a license. Chris technically does, but any contact with police, especially after those beers, would be trouble.

So how many rules were broken? I count three, and my own personal rule #4. I hate smoking. Don't smoke. And he did.

So I really don't know how I feel about these rule breakings. I made him come with me to the bar. And I'm sure I totally made him drink by telling him it was okay; his probation officer meeting isn't for two weeks. And I don't see the problem, really. It's not like we were shooting heroin or smoking crack. It was a couple beers, and I don't care. But should I be enforcing, enabling, agreeing, with this behavior? Should I say it's okay to drink when in reality he should not be drinking for the next 18 months?

I'm sure this all comes back to my own personal vendetta against the PO. "She doesn't own me. She can't run my life. I'll go to a fricken bar if I want to go to one!" So I do. And I make Chris go with. And I make him drink. And I think he should be able to. I mean, how fun is it to leave your husband at home when you're going out?

So should I be promoting and encouraging this lying behavior? Am I feeding the flames? Or should I enforce the strict rules of the PO?

Am I reading into this, digging too deep, making more out of it than it is?


Anonymous said...

It sounds to me like you are giving him mixed messages. You want him to obey the laws and limitations that are important to YOU but not the ones you don't like. I think that for someone who has some problems using good judgment the way he has exhibited previously, this might not be the best thing.
You seem angry that his choices have caused boundaries to be placed on your own life and I don't blame you for that. But the example you are setting for him here, as exhibited by what you wrote, does not seem helpful to his overall development of self-discipline.
This is all IMHO, of course. I'm sure others will see it differently. But I would encourage you to consider 2 things:
a. - if you encourage him not to follow the rules that society sets because you don't like them or think they are fair (the terms of his probation, in this case), then you are also encouraging him not to follow the rules that YOU set when he doesn't like them or think they are fair.
b.- what are the consequences of him being caught for probation violation? Could it be jail time? Are you prepared to live with the consequences if that happened?
I know this is hard, and you sound angry and bitter. It is a lot for a young person who is newly married to absorb and adapt to.
But please think this through carefully. I would hate for your lives to be turned upside down (even more than they have been already) by a rebellious need for a fun evening out.
Just some things for you to think about. No offense intended in any way.

Married to My Ex said...

This is tough. It may not be true for everyone but I have often found that once an addict always an addict and my own addict has often told be that alcohol is a trigger. I wouldn't exactly say that because of his problems that you should shut down but being or staying married to someone like him requires changes in your life as well. You are enabling him. If he had done those things you did last night but without you, how would you have dealt with it? Would you have felt betrayed? I would also not encouraging the drinking, now or in 18 months. He might switch from crack to beer that fast (like my sis in law did). You are angry and you have a right to be. Maybe you just need to put things in perspective, decide what is most important. No one will judge you. But when you ask.... (we are all opinionated)

Jan said...

I believe that someone previously suggested that you might want to look into al-anon or narc-anon--whatever the support group for the significant others is called.

Among my friends married to addicts (drugs, sex, alcohol, food....) two went to the group and found the help they needed to cope with life. Not just life with their addict, but their own life. They became wise, strong women. I admire them for their courage. One of my friends didn't want anything to do with it, and still struggles, even tho her hubby has 23 years sober under his belt.

What you might find at the group is how to deal with your feelings. The other people at the group will understand all your emotions, and have helpful (I hope) suggestions to help you heal.

That said, I have been with addicts most of my life, tho they were mostly addicted to work and food and exercise. But addiction is addiction. And since opposites attract, I have the personality that enables an addict. I spent many years studying and attending various groups to refine my own behavior--and still I sometimes do the wrong thing. I'm human, but I'm always willing to learn.
Good Luck!

thejunkyswife said...

I have given up on the alcohol battle. It's not my bucket of shit...I agree with everyone here, though, that it's important to figure out what your motives are and what kinds of messages you're sending him, which it looks like you're doing by blogging about it and thinking it through. I've decided to stop worrying about my husband drinking. He's never been a big drinking, and until it becomes a problem (or leads to him using heroin), I'm not fighting that battle. You've got to pick which battles you want to fight...

April said...

I agree with all of you. Thank you for the comments. I do need to pick my fights. And at the same time, I know that my husband has an addictive personality. I need to encourage him to follow the rules of his probation.

If I want a drink, I need to do it in a way that will not possibly bring him down. He is trying hard to make the necessary changes in his life, and I need to make sure I am a good influence on him. While I don't view drinking as bad, or view him drinking as bad, it is the rules right now. I feel like I have more to say but I can't remember. Thanks again.