Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Sharing

It's interesting. My previous post, "Back Story", came up quite a bit for me last night and this morning already, and it's only 8:30am!

Chris and I sat down last night, before bed, and hooked up the Ethernet cable at our new place. I wanted to come to my blog, so the computer slowly, (oh, so slowly!) took me there. Chris looked over at saw.

"Married to an Addict," he said. So matter-of-factly. I felt a mix of emotion. The kind where I so desperately wanted to show him, which brought up a whole 'nother bag of issues to deal with later, and the kind where I wanted to keep it to myself.

He read some of the title entries on the "posts" page. I read him The Junkys Wife Nicole Richie entry. I felt it fit perfectly for him - being a crazy crackhead and all.

He said I should read one I wrote, so I read one - a safe one of course.

It was the after feeling I completely hated. I wished so much that I hadn't read it to him. I wished that it was just mine. That is another issue with me. I hate sharing. That probably explains why I am so secretive, but I hate sharing anything in my life that I view as mine.

I don't mean crackers or a candy bar or money. I mean, if I view something as valuable to me, close to my heart, something personal and wonderful and only something I can understand, I do not want to share it. I feel like a little piece of me dies. Like a little piece of me is taken away when I share something, when I give up something.

I instantly regretted it. This something was mine. It was mine to share my life, to vent about the very man I was reading a post to. He would never understand its meaning to me. Even I don't fully understand its meaning to me!

Chris had known that I had a blog. He knew it was about him, our life, his addiction. And he didn't seem mad. He wasn't mad.

Maybe my problem with sharing comes from the fact that if I share, I let someone in. And if I let someone in, I have to deal with possibility of being hurt.

Too early in the morning for this.

3 comments:

Married to My Ex said...

I had a serious problem saying sorry or that I was wrong or whatever. I felt vulnerable and I hated that vulnerable feeling. I shut out C all the time so protect myself and I only did more harm than good. When I chose to let him in he always disappointed me, but later I found out why. I let him in when he was doomed to fail. That is why we are as sick and as f'd up as they are. They use to make themselves feel worse. We give the wrong parts of us away to feel worse. They are our drug, in a way. I hope your day gets better.

thejunkyswife said...

I can never decide if I want G in my blog or not. I want him to see parts of it...because I'm proud of it. I'm writing well there, and I'm writing about him, a lot, and some of it is really loving and would make him feel good. And while I stand by everything I've written that isn't so flattering about him, I don't really want him to be hurt by those posts. And more than that, I want it to be a space where I'm free to get all the stuff out I need to get out, to communicate with you, Married To My Ex, MPJ, and others openly, honestly...it's like a big ole' online meeting that lasts 24 hours a day sometimes, and I need that.

When I'm being really healthy, though...I acknowledge that G's inability to connect to certain parts of me is really something valuable. I've chosen this man for a reason...when we are both functioning well, he fulfills some deep needs that I have...he gives me space, respects my privacy, lets me take care of him, honors my creativity...those are all good things, and things that are part and parcel of his addictive personality in ways...

Sigh.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

It takes a lot for me to share with most people too. I do it much better in writing than in person, where I'm much more closed off. Not wanting to feel vulnerable is one of the many reasons I have never spent any time in therapy. I just don't feel comfortable letting anyone other than a lover that close to me.