When I go to bed at night, I am like many other people. I cannot turn off my brain. Things I have to do run through, my mind thinks up the strangest ideas, and I seem to focus on interesting viewpoints of my life. And last night, there was no exception.
I was thinking about the blog situation as I layed in bed last night. I was thinking about the sick little game I play. The game is simple. To me, at least. I pride myself in being strong. In being brave, in being independent, in being able to handle anything.
I thought last night about myself, how strange I am. I crave Chris' attention, I crave his acceptance. I want him to be okay, to like, to love, everything I do at all times. If I want to work out, if I want to get back down to a size 2 like I was before he kept me up all night being gone, if I want to have a blog, if I want to make dinner, if I want to shower - I want him to adore everything I do. And at the same time, if he is annoyed or thinks I am stupid or doesn't agree with what I want, I say I don't care. I act like I don't care.
In reality, (come on, we all know reality!!), I am screaming out for his approval. Approval. Of me.
Let's get the facts straight. He is a druggie. A junkie. A crack addict. A man who is screwed me over so many times in the past, yet I want his fricken' approval. I want him to validate me.
Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure I want everyone's approval which is a real freakin' let down. I am not supposed to be this way. This is a real eye-opener. I am actually admitting this out loud.
People's blogs I read, they all write about co-dependence. And all the while I was thinking, well lucky for me, I'm not that! So I did a little lesson today. I looked up co-dependence.
The facts, the characteristics, shocked me. I stopped reading half way down the list. Here they are:
- Positive feelings about themselves stem from being liked and accepted by others.
- Mental attention is focused on solving the problems of others or relieving their pain, and when these goals are accomplished, their self-esteem rises.
- Co-dependents tend to personalize all that happens around them, seeing everything as being directly related to them.
- Unless they are externally validated, they have difficulty trusting their own perceptions.
- Significant others' clothing, personal appearance and behavior are dictated by the co-dependent, as he or she feels that the significant other is a reflection of him or her.
- Co-dependents have unrealistic expectations of themselves, are unable to accept their own limitations, and use control and manipulation to avoid facing reality.
- They view themselves as failures when they cannot control everything or meet everyone's expectations.
- They fear rejection and abandonment, so they feel they must be involved and needed in every aspect of the lives of others. Not to be involved and needed equals abandonment.
- Co-dependents are not aware of how they feel; they are aware of how others feel. Co-dependents are not aware of what they want; they ask what others want. If they are not aware, they assume.
- Social circles diminish as they become more involved in their disease.
Just looking at this makes me want to scream. I could give an example for every single bullet point. I am co-dependent! I am sure tomorrow I will look at this and justify it. Hell, it could be later today! Either way, I hate admitting this.
Probably why I am a social worker. So I relieve people's pain.
But the flip side is, perhaps that's why I can't lose weight. Perhaps I am doomed to never be a size 2 again. Because I have an unrealistic expectation of myself. And because I am unable to accept my own limitations. I should be okay. I should swallow my sadness and throw out my cute skirts and shorts and be proud of my slightly larger body. Right?
Easier said than done.