The past is in the past

I am sitting here tonight, thinking of those from my past. It gets like this sometimes; when Chris goes to a meeting, or out to do laundry, my mind wonders to those I left behind in order to fulfill my fantasy with Chris. I often wonder what it would be like if I had stayed on those paths.

In this world of technology, I can find out virtually anything about anyone and sometimes, my temptation gets the best of me and I check on them via their myspace or some other site. I have never been able to be friends with my exes, even if I wanted to, so sometimes this is nice, to see how their life is.

Other times, like tonight, it just depresses me. I start to wonder about my own life - if I will have as good of a friend as I had before, or if this person I am with now can ever make me so truly happy that I have no need to even glance at these people's pages.

It's wrong of me to put that on Chris, and I know it. But sometimes, the feelings of sadness and feelings of "what if" hit hard, and I fall into them and succumb to them.

I love him deeply, and I know that I would've went back to him no matter what. Whether someone made me so incredibly happy that I had never felt that way before, I believe I would have went back to Chris anyways because he holds something for me. There is something about him that I cannot resist. Maybe that is my weakness, maybe that is my strength.

I do not regret the life I have chosen, or the person I ended up with. It has taken a long time for me to say that. It is going to take longer still to change my thought process of thinking myself as higher than him because I do not suffer from this addiction. It is going to be a long road to the complete forgiveness that I wish to give him because he does not deserve to constantly be reminded of or punished for his past mistakes.

Each day is a challenge for both of us. But my desire to get through it will overcome the challenges.

Simply Late

Wow, it has been almost two weeks. I have been busy with work and family activities, husband and friend stuff.

Things are decent. I feel like anything I report is going to be too boring and lame to mention. I do have things that are going on to me, things that I feel are changing me, but that will be posted at a later date when I can finish writing it.

I am starting to distance myself from this blog, and it bothers me somewhat. I feel sometimes that things are getting better, and I don't need to blog or write anymore about my husband's addiction, but then something grand will happen and I will be sent right back into that wave of fury.

I was talking with Rae on Sunday, and something hit me. Every time he is late, every time he doesn't answer the phone, every time he calls back an hour later, will I constantly question him? Will I constantly wonder where he is, what he's doing, who he's with? Will doubts always fill my mind, for the rest of my life?

I don't want that! I don't want to always resort to the worst possible thing in my mind just because of things that happened in the past. I know I will for awhile, but I don't want to for the rest of time.

Why can't I just think that he's late? Or his phone is on vibrate? Why do I always have to jump to the worst thing? I hate that dreadful feeling I get, the one that wells up in the pit of your stomach. I hate it.

I don't always want to feel like that. I don't always want to think he went back to crack. Will I ever be able to believe him or trust him again? Or will I always turn into a monster when he is late. I don't want to always think he was arrested or is high or is doing something terrible.

Why can't I just think he is simply late. I don't want to feel nervous all the time. I want it to stop.

Sacrifice

Last night we were arguing. Nothing new, nothing surprising. Rae called and asked if we would go on a double date with a guy that she previously dated. I'm all for it, because lately it is the only way I can see Rae at all. But Chris - not so much. He is not a fan of the double dates.

The fight escalated into so many thing that it shouldn't have been. All I really wanted was for him to say okay. He doesn't have to enjoy it. But I just wanted him to sacrifice for me. Sacrifice a few hours of his life, and make me happy. We are going to dinner. There is food involved. It was turning into a huge deal and it was really hurting me. We have had this discussion so many times.

I know he doesn't enjoy the same things I do. I know he doesn't particularly want to go. But I don't really want him to be gone at NA's all the time.

The thing is, I don't think he really realizes how much I have sacrificed and lost for him. I know he does things around the house and he tries to be a good husband now, but that's it. It's now. It's not then. I know I probably need to forgive but that is way too easy to say. I just want him to realize what he put me through. I just want him to realize that for the first 7 months of our marriage, he was married to crack. He was never around. I did everything. I cooked, I cleaned, I lived alone. And when he "decided" through his arrest that he would become "clean", I lost him again to 3 nights of NA.

I don't want to sound like a complaining bitch who is not happy that he doing what he should be doing. I am glad that he is doing this - to get support, to have friends, to be involved with something greater than himself and greater than drugs. But at the same time, when he tells me I never do what HE wants, I believe in essence I am doing what HE wants every Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, when I sit at home and veg in front of the tv. It is not my choice to be alone so often. I would love to go do something. I would love to do something every week, just the two of us.

There is a church thing. Every Wednesday. I would like to do that with my husband. But when I said that last night in the heat of the argument, he said "I'm sorry...but Wednesday's are my home group." Oh, your HOME group! Well, I'm sorry. I'm only your wife. Have never been the priority. but I would like to be.

I want him to get his priorities straight. I want him to WANT to put my first, not only do it because I tell him to.

It's not only about the fricken' double date. It's about compromise; it's about sacrifice. It's about doing things that you may not want to because you love that person. Apparently, I am way too far ahead of him for him to even try to grasp onto that knowledge.

It Never Ends

Thanks to everyone who wrote to me on my last post. It meant so much.

This week has been better. For those who asked, nothing happened this last Monday. At least, nothing I know of. He was home "on time" and was looking and acting normal. It was quite weird, this Monday. Nothing like the past two.

I have been stressed beyond normal this week. Remember the car things I would write? That my car was going down hill fast? This last week it took a turn for the worst. It can't get up hills, even small hills, at more than 15mph. It really worried me because winter is coming.

My dad let me take his car - they have an extra car - and I have been feeling lucky and spoiled and safe, driving around in this luxury car, full of everything I could ever want. But last week I had to switch back for a day, and though I felt at home and less in need of responsibility in my own car, a huge dose of reality hit me. I would never make it through the winter. I probably wouldn't even make it through the next few weeks.

I started looking hardcore for a car, all the while knowing that the chances of getting one without anyone's help was slim. I can make the car payments. I can do it all. I just have bad credit. And why? And that's another dose of reality that hit me this week.

I was turned down at one after another credit loaning companies, though I would have a car as collateral. I felt so hopeless. Though my parents would help me, my dad couldn't resist the temptation for a lecture. And I just sat there, nodding, though the anger rose inside me quickly. "It's not my fault, Dad!"

"I would have asked for help."

"No, you wouldn't have. You can't say that."

"I would have asked my parents for help."

Silence. Staring. Fine. You would've asked. In your mind you would've. But when you are in the situation, you don't know. When you are newly married, struggling in your mind to wonder if you've made the right decision as it is, you don't want to ask for help because your husband is wasting away your money at only God knows what.

Today, as we stood in the lobby of a bank, waiting for someone to call me in, me and my co-signer, he leaned over and said "I know it's not your fault. You can be happy."

My eyes filled with tears. I had to quickly blink them away - I turned to the window.

I got a new car. But the depth of what Chris has done still shocks me and amazes me every day with it's hidden surprises and fun. Credit card debt, not getting a loan, still struggling to catch up on everything we are behind in. All the credit cards, student loans. And because of our hectic and frantic catch-up game, and the fact that we still have to survive, I haven't concentrated on paying on time. We have been late, we have been on time, we have paid too little, we have paid too much. And now here we are. Struggling for a fricken' car loan.

But I got a car. And I can be happy. My daddy, my protector, the man I have looked up to for my life span - he says I can.

Another Monday night

He came home on Monday night after his class, looking cracked up. Looking like he did at the beginning of this. Looking fucked up. I confronted him on it immediately. He denied it all. He said he was at his meeting. He said he was not lying anymore and why would he risk it? He didn't want to lose me. I said, I don't care. You're a fucking crackhead. You're an addict. Maybe you relapsed. Just tell the truth.

Still denial.

I sent him to Walgreen's to get a drug test. Yes, I did. He called while he was there, asking which test to buy. The one for only crack? Or the one that covers it all. I wanted the one that covers it all, but it is 30 bucks and we are running too low this month. This week. And I was on the phone with Rae, telling her it all. She said to buy the one that covers it all. But by the time I called him back, he had already bought the crack one. The coke one. The one I had originally said. And he had left. I told him to go back; I told him to return it. I would not feel completely secure in the knowledge of sobriety if he didn't test for everything. He didn't go back.

He took the test. He was clean. It didn't mean what it should have. It didn't mean anything. Rae said it was good because that was the main problem.

It was the same "class" as last week, when he wasn't back until 12:30am. Monday nights. He showed me the signature he had gotten from the teacher that he went, for his PO, but that meant shit, as we all know. What's really going on.

What the fuck is going on. I just want the truth. I can be okay, I can be fine, I can be great BY MYSELF. But I cannot be any of those things without knowing the truth.

I will not live in a marriage of lies. I told him that if that happens, I won't even mess around with the talk. He will leave. He will call his father to come pick his revoked license ass up - fuck that, he can drive himself for all I care.

It is unsettling. But I am fine. I'm better than fine. I will be fine whether or not he is a liar. He does not define me. I do not need him. So bring it on. I'm ready.

No change

Wow. Eternity, I know. I have been so unmotivated and so busy with work, I just come home and do nothing. Chris and I had a monster of an argument on Monday night. He went to his NA meeting and didn't come home until after midnight. Midnight!! You bloggers are only the second people I am telling about this. Of course, I called my best friend and she walked me through things. What the fuck was he doing?

It was horrible. I was catapulted back to 9 months ago. Exactly nine months on Monday. I was panicky, I was scared, I was terrified, I was fucking pissed the fuck off. No answer, no reply, nothing from him.

I layed in bed and wondered how the hell I dealt with this on an almost daily basis. How did I get in bed and sleep? How did I not stay up freaking out all night till his fucking ass got home? How did I do any of that for months at a time? I was in a different mindset then, I must say. I was in survival mode.

His excuse? Some guy came in who had relapsed and Chris took it upon himself to stay and deal with him. Now, I don't fucking believe his bullshit. I don't believe it. But I know he wasn't doing drugs. I know what he was like before and that wasn't it, that Monday night. And he had been so excited that it was his 9-month anniversary. But I have no clue what he was doing.

Either way, whether or not he was telling the truth, answer your fucking phone. Pick it up and say you're alive. Pick up the fucking phone and say that yes, you are not arrested. Pick it up and text back. That was the worst part.

I know it was only one time. But he has not changed. I could justify his behavior in my head when he was on crack. It was the drugs. It was the drugs. But when he is clean and sober and "learned his lesson," he still goes out and does the same fucking thing. He has not made one single ounce of progress. That is what hurts the worst. The fact that I thought he was different. I thought he had changed. But he really hasn't. When it is broken down, I am still not the first priority. I am still not the number one and only one.

I can't even explain it adequately but I hope you all understand. I hope you understand how disappointing it was to realize that he is the same person, it just takes a different thing to make him behave that way. It didn't matter that it was the crack. It didn't matter that it was a guy who relapsed. As long as he feels that their is something else that warrants more attention or need, he will choose that over his own fucking wife. He will choose that over me.

My mind has froze.

Annoyed Easily

There are so many different people in the world. And it's so funny to me how few of them I can put up with. Hah. I am even laughing at myself as I wrote that.

In starting this new job, it took quite awhile before I felt comfortable to be myself with anyone. And it took quite awhile before I made "friends." And now I am finally at that place of comfortability and honesty. Mostly. It only took a fricken month.

I sometimes wonder what people think about me. I am so judgemental. And it usually isn't trying to be mean to people, I just get a vibe and go off that until or unless it steers me wrong. But I wonder how people view me. I am so sarcastic and I am sure unless someone knows me it comes across so bitchy. In fact, the girls I eat lunch with say I am the bitchiest one of them all. One girl says she likes it - she says she likes that I tell it like it is. And sometimes I pride myself in that, but other times I just wonder if I am being mean or too negative.

Another girl describes me as that. Negative. I call it being a "realist." Of course, there is great negativity in that, but that is just who I am.

When I first started this job, I was so quiet. I kept to myself and didn't let my sarcasm drip over and didn't let anything come out of my mouth at all. But then I started to open up a little, and I wondered if people were thinking "Who is this? She used to be so shy." I wonder if people have a sense of these things, like knowing that I was only acting shy because I was new but that I would come out of my shell as things got going.

I like to see who I can trust or who I can be my full self with. I don't want to offend with my rudeness. I know some people can stomach people like me and some can't. Some get offended. I went through a phase where I would say "You are Satan!" when someone was being mean or rude. I was totally kidding and would always laugh after, but once someone got offended and confronted me about it.

I wanted to see who could handle my sarcasm. I wanted to know who I could be myself with before I truly let it explode out. And for the most part, I can be myself now. But some people I am still cautious around.

And then there are first impressions that I take from people. There is one girl that completely rubbed me the wrong way. She is loud, always complaining, and controlling. She thinks she is right about everything. Her experience in social welfare is vast and she doesn't fail to let everyone know. I find it quite annoying. I find HER quite annoying. But maybe that is just her before she knows people, like the way I was. I doubt it though.

A girl I eat with tells me I have a low tolerance for people. I find that amusing, given the field I'm in. But perhaps she's right. I can read people well. Yet even when I say that I think of Chris. I could read him. I knew something wasn't right. I knew he was not doing what he said he was. But I just didn't, couldn't, wouldn't figure out what.

So in reading people well, I see how many of them I don't like. I see how many things I get annoyed with. I see how some people are so stupid. I am annoyed and judge easily. Maybe too easily.

So now that everyone reading this hates me, I will go back to work.

Truth

I guess I’m back. I will be honest – I am completely unmotivated. I have been completely unmotivated to do anything. It is not like I am sitting at home depressed. I just have no motivation. If I plan to do something, then I look forward to it and will do it with everything I have. But lately, I don’t look forward to much and I don’t plan much.

I am aggravated easily.

Something bad happened a couple days ago. Not bad like Chris using again. But bad, like I got the truth when I don’t really know if I wanted it. I do that a lot. I ask question of him: “Where did you do it? Did you do it in my car? Did you smoke with other girls? Did you do it everyday? How many times a day? Did you do it on our wedding day?” Etc., etc., etc. The list can go on.

With my new job, I find myself driving around the city to visits and wondering if he did it here, or there. If he was in this dangerous place or that one. And so my curiosity finally got the best of me. We went on walk the other day and I asked him. I asked him everything I could think of. The questions come up a lot. They don’t ever stop. I could simply be singing away in my car, minding my own business, and BAM. A question. Something I need to know.

So on this particular day, I got a bunch of things answered. I found out where he did it – the specific streets. Streets I travel on. I found out that he lied, again. Ever since the truth came out, and I say that because I will not say “ever since he came clean” because he didn’t. He did not come clean with me. He did not willingly say to me that he was a crackhead. No, he was arrested. He was caught and that is how it came out.

So I will say again, ever since the truth came out, I lived with that. I lived with what I knew. I had my own image of what he did on a daily, nightly, weekly basis. But after all my questions poured out of me like vomit, I found out that not only was he doing crack on those days, he was also going to the casino two or three times a week with our money. OUR money. Apparently it wasn’t enough that he was buying crack to shove into his lungs, he also needed to waste our money at a fucking casino.

After he came out, and he had the one friend I approved of left over, they wanted to go to the casino. I figured that this was a relatively safe, fun, un-drug-using activity. I’m not a moron though. I know it’s addicting behavior and he has an addictive personality. But I didn’t want to restrict him on everything. And this kid was decent.

So off he went to be an addict. Off he went to gamble away our money. So when he told me that he used to go to the casino all the time when he was doing drugs, I cannot even tell you how that made me feel.

The fact that here I was, thinking I was being nice, thinking I was letting him rarely, sometimes go to the casino, when all along he had been going dozens of times, stealing my money, and enjoying himself made me sick. It made me so mad, infuriated. I could not even comprehend the anger I felt. If I had known, if I had had ONE little inkling, I never in a million years would have let him go to the casino when he had been going there all along.

I felt horrified. I felt betrayed. And what I can name now – taken advantage of. My kindness after EVERYTHING he had put me, us, our marriage through, and he had been doing it all along, was undeserved. I would have GLADLY taken away that privilege if I had known that that is another place all of our money went to. Just writing about it now makes me so unbelievably mad. Does it make sense? Does anyone else understand what I am saying?

The simple fact that I thought I was being nice. I thought I was being NICE. And he was just taking more of our money to a place I never knew he went to THREE TIMES a week. I would have banned that place from him. It hurts.

Do I really want to know all these little truths that may mean nothing to him but sting me down to my bone? Do I really want them to keep coming out over the years? Or is ignorance bliss.

Eeks

All right, I know it has been almost a week since I have written. But for some reason my stupid wireless card has STILL not arrived and at this point, it's pretty pointless. I will be going home to my lovely laptop which is not in a basement in two days. I promise to read and write and catch up and contribute to CF then. I miss it so much!

Things have been going well. Since I can't read everyone's blogs right now, I hope everything is going well with all of you too.I feel like I am missing out on all of my friend's lives!

I don't want this to be a pointless post, but I wanted you all to know that I am still alive and out here and only two more days until I am back into the full-fledged world of blogging. I hope you all don't think that I fell off the face of the earth! I will see you all then!

Addicted

I don’t know what my problem is. There is something about me. Or something about them. Addicts, that is. I have been realizing it this weekend, incredibly. Everyone close to me in my life, besides my family, is an addict. Literally everyone. There is Rae and there is S, and there is Chris. Those are the three people closest to me right now.

Rae had a horrible childhood. She was in the drug scene as a teenager to the extent of almost unbelievability. And now, she is no longer in that life style, so while she may not be addicted to anything anymore (besides going to the bars every weekend and getting wasted), she was in the drug field.

Then there is S. Drug and alcohol addict. A week in recovery. Who knows how long it will last.

Chris – my husband. Drugs are his poison of choice. Recovering now for almost eight months. His life was much like Rae’s. So involved in the drug scene – I do not understand it.

So what is about me? Or what is it about them? What attracts me to them? Or them to me? I am addicted to addicts. That is my addiction.

Is it my innate need to cure? To comfort? To take care of all helpless things? My love for animals is a passionate part of me; could it be that it is because they, too, need someone to look out for them? Is that why I am the way I am? Is that why Social Work is my profession? Because I need to care for those who can’t care for themselves?

Let me fix you and protect you and show you someone loves you and is there for you. Let me show you that someone will always be there – dependable and reliable and responsible to the point of being flawed. To the point that someone can run over me and leave me crippled.

It’s an interesting viewpoint – one I may have addressed before. But this weekend more than ever did it become clear to me. It was a weekend filled with Rae and S and Chris and all things addicty, conversational and otherwise, and that is what I concluded. That I’m addicted to addicts.

At my parent's

I tell you, the computer life is not coming easy with me lately! Now my wireless card died. Yes, it really sucks.

I am house-sitting and dog-sitting while my parents are in Italy for almost two weeks! Yay for them! But, I would like to get on my own computer and read Cunty and type my own Cunty and do all sorts of things that my parents wouldn't approve of. But I can't because my wireless card hates me. So now I have to wait in the mail for one to be sent to me. It sucks. The senders better hurry up or I will have to kick some sender's b-u-t-t.

I am in a rare mood today. I am feeling better and optimistic about the job - finally. I have my own cases now and I am still the secondary person on them, but that is fine. I need time to learn. I am also getting to know the people I work with better and I am starting to like them as well.

Last night I went out with my best friend and we had a few drinks. We were supposed to go out for lunch today with S but my friend is not answering her phone. I hope everything is okay. Also, for those of you who were concerned and who remember, she (Rae) ended up breaking up with that guy. The possessive one. He still calls and she still fights with him, but they are no longer together. I feel really bad. She went through a lot for him and is left with nothing.

My ex-friend who was my ex-lover, for all of you who remember that, called yesterday and I did not answer the call. I was proud of myself for that.

I really want to get back to reading everyone's blogs and being at my parent's is the perfect time to do that, if only I had my computer. I hope it will be soon. I miss the cats and birds at home, but Chris has been going over there to spend time with them and I have went for a little each day as well.

All right, that was a jumbled heap of information but I do not have much time and I hate being in this centipedie basement. Until next time!

Trust Issues

It's funny how before this job, I lived for going onto Blogger and reading everyone's blogs. Now I am so beyond busy ... I barely have time to do anything! When I get home, I just want to eat and walk and watch TV and do nothing with the computer. I love reading your blogs and writing in my home, but I feel so swamped with everything else - I simply have no energy to read anything!

It was so helpful to read everyone's blogs when Chris first came out of the addiction closet. This was exactly what I needed and continues to be so. I just wanted to thank you all so much - the ones of you who are new to me, and the ones who have been with me from the beginning. Thanks for being there then, with the hundreds of posts, and now, with the few I have time for.

Chris is doing so much better, it seems. There's that word again - seems. Like I said in an earlier post, seems. I don't want to claim to know if I don't. I don't want to look oblivious if he is not. Which I obviously would be because I don't see anything like the past right now. So to me, he is good. It is nice to not to worry about where he is, who he is with, when he'll be back, why he isn't answering his phone, etc.

Don't get me wrong. I am still constantly worrying about the money. It sucks. I hate it. Why am I still worried? What is he doing? Is he buying cigarettes, which he claims he does not smoke, with the credit card? What is he buying? I hate that. I want to know when I will start trusting again. I want to start trusting again. I want to not doubt what he is saying. How do I do that? How can I get over it?

Bored

I am sick of talking about my job, though that seems to be the only thing that is going on lately. It is still a huge transition that I am slowly processing. It's actually taken a lot longer than normal job changes, and it is a lot harder too. But I am sure you are all so deathly sick of me talking about my job.

So. Chris is doing well. He is still attending NA every week, twice a week as court-ordered, and I am loving my free time when he is gone. This is sounding like a strange update to my life, and I guess it is. When nothing else is going on, I have nothing to give but updates!

My friend got engaged last night, does that matter to anyone? I don't know. I will stop boring you now. It's a good thing nothing is going on because that means no drama in my life. But it's also a bad thing because you are all bored with my life. Hah.

Nothing

Nothing new to report. It's weird to be back! Nothing much is going on. Training is going okay. Pretty boring. I can't wait to be out of it! I'm sure I will wish I was back in training then. Haha.

There is some stuff going on that I will report about when I know more information or when I feel it is appropriate and safe. Don't worry. I am fine.

Hopefully, I will have more to report tomorrow!

I'm back!

I'm back from the computer death! I got my new hard drive in the mail over the weekend, and I put it in and my dad's computer guy fixed more problems and now I am back to share all about my last week that has felt like eternity!

I started my new job. It has been all right so far. This training stuff is killing me though! I know it's something we have to do - I definitely need it because I feel so inexperienced. I know I am, but I hate starting new jobs where I feel like a retard. A new girl was starting at the same time as me, and it turns out she's not so new. Truth is, she has been working in SW for years and years - she's just new to the agency. I really hate that. I know nothing. I feel so out of place. I hate change and I hate the feeling I get with change. I feel depressed and like I wish and want to be back at my old job though I did absolutely nothing there recently. Bored out of my mind.

Speaking of y old job, I got a call last night from S. He said he anted to give me a heads up. M, my office manager had a meeting with B. S and I had both quit (long story about S) and she wanted to take this opportunity to talk to him about his behavior. About taking people for granted, and being grateful with the hard jobs people did.

It ended up backfiring in her face. B pulled out a letter - a letter I had written in May, or around there, complaining about M for the way she treated me and Rae. It was at a time where she made me cry and I wrote a letter venting. I had no full intentions of giving it to B. But Rae insisted we do so and she printed it out. I was nervous and unsure, but figured he had a right to know to make any necessary changed. B read it and even criticized when I said one nice thing about M, as if that was too much to ask. The letter was full of evilness and snobbery - a definite letter of venting. And B promised up and down that it was confidential.

Until he changed his mind yesterday apparently and showed or at least told M about the letter and asked why she was sticking up for me and S, especially me, since I wrote this letter. She was caught off guard. It was a huge mess, I'm told, and I didn't appreciate getting a call or crying over this. I don't even work there anymore - I should not have been dragged into it. Also, that was a really fucked up thing to do. I came to him in a confidentiality and I don't care if he felt cornered by M. That was immature and rude.

It made me so mad. I was furious. I wanted to call and yell at him, but S told me not to for now. S, M, Rae and I ended up going out to the bar on Friday night where it came to light how perverted, disgusting, graphic and wrong B was. Which will lead me to my next Cuntface post.

So, that is what I have been dealing with.

But I am glad to be back! I need to go read everyone's and catch up now!

Quickly!

I am at my parent's again - for a brief period to check things out. :) I am sorry I cannot keep up-to-date on people's blogs...it kills me!!

I am hoping to order a new hard drive tonight or tomorrow though, so I should be back soon. Thanks for all your kindness and support, and I promise when my computer is up and running I will be back to read everyone's and catch up!

My new job...it's going okay for now. I don't know much - I have to attend a lot of training next week and at the end of this week. Also, I don't do well with change and am having a hard time. I do not feel like I am fitting in (normal) and feel a little depressed. But that is how I always am about change...I know that about myself.

I promise to expand when I can write longer. This sucks!! Please don't kick me out of Cuntface; I will write and catch up as soon as I have my own computer! I think my parents just seeing the word CUNTFACE on their computer would freak them out!

I'll be back soon!! Keep me in your thoughts! Please don't forget me!! I will expand soon. Miss all of you cyber people. :)

No computer

I have a bit more of bad news for you all. My computer, as I was mentioning before, has taken a turn for the worse. My dad told me it was "sick.." He said it was "very unhealthy." That's funny, isn't it? It made me sad actually, to hear that my hard drive was sick. In fact, it is so sick that it no longer works.

It crashed and my dad's friend/co-worker was able to relieve it for a little for us to pull off all my hard written documents, almost 300 to be exact!, and all of my photos. So I have no way to write to you all.

I am at my parent's right now, and I will be able to come over and update you every couple days and check my email and all that. But I am starting my new job tomorrow so I will not be able to spend hours on Blogger like I was able to at my old job. Perhaps eventually, but not yet. :) I wanted to let everyone know.

Eventually, hopefully soon, I will buy a new hard drive and replace my old one and be able to have access 24/7 but right now, I am stuck in this craphole of not having access to the Internet at home.

Anyways, it is really sad for me - I love my computer. But my parent's computer is in the basement, and a centipede just fell from the ceiling and I am not about to stay down here any longer.

Wish me luck tomorrow!

Scattered Showers

It's funny - the way life is. My mom and I went for a walk yesterday. My mom and I have this unique relationship. Sometimes I just want to call her up and tell her all about things, all about my life, all about my feelings. Sometimes I visit reality, which tells me that that is not the greatest idea.

My dad and I are closer - we have this special bond. I am the most like him. But as I have gotten older, I have grown closer to my mom too. My mom is great to hang out with. To go shopping with and walk with and drive with, and just anything. She gets me. She laughs at my jokes. She laughs when I make fun of people. Even if she completely disagrees or thinks I am being a heinous bitch, she laughs. It's wonderful. My dad won't laugh. He has to be in right mood. Otherwise, he will look at me in annoyance and ask if that is how he raised me.

I love my parents deeply. They are everything to me. So when I walk with them or hang out with them, I savor it.

When I was walking with my mom, she asked how Chris was doing. I said good. He seemed good. I know that sounded to her like I had no clue what I was talking about. "Seems?" But I don't want to claim to know when what if I don't? And I don't want her to think I don't know anything either. It's a slippery slope. She said he seems ... and she couldn't think of the word. He is eating a lot more, she said. He is talking a lot more as well. I said that he got a little pot belly when he started to eat like a normal human and she laughed. She doesn't know that I love that pot belly.

I love his little belly, with his treasure trail. It is the softest part of his body. Or one of them. It is so smooth and so beautiful. I love it.

Sidetracked. And as I was talking with my mom, I thought to myself how interesting that we have already been married 1 year. Already. And then I thought how this year was absolutely nothing like what I thought it would be. It was perhaps the exact opposite. Already, in my first year of marriage, we have dealt with my husband being a crack addict. It is so beyond anything I would have expected. I don't even know what to type now. I am just staring at the screen in awe about what has happened in my life already.

I am not this girl. I am a boring person. My life is simple. I have not experienced what so many have and already I am miles away from what so many experience. I married an addict who lied and used and stole and hurt for months and months and I am still here, with that same addict, telling my story. I am still here, alive and well, and have pulled myself through it. He is here; he is making steps; he is making progress. For the rest of our lives he will be an addict. For the rest of our lives, he will forever be addicted. And every day for years and years he will have to consciously put those things behind him and choose wisely and differently than in the past.

It's a strange feeling - the feeling of being thrust into something you cannot control and did not expect and yet still coming out. And then to look back on it and see what you have accomplished...I am proud of myself. I am proud of JW, and MPJ, and Married to my Ex, and all the others I am forgetting for sticking with what is so hard and not giving up.

I cannot put into words how I feel right now. But this year was a whirlwind, and a tornado, and a hurricane, and finally, the closest thing I have known to calm in this year - scattered showers.

Bad news

Well I didn't come back to anything good that's for sure. I come home to find out my computer crashed. A huge monstrous crash, and nothing is working to fix it, and like a typical moron, I didn't save anything to a disk. I have thousands upon thousands of things written in that computer that could be gone forever. I have pictures on there and just ugh. So much stuff. I won't speak too soon because my dad is taking it to his computer guy today, but in the meanwhile, I am just thinking of how I am going to have to pay to fix it, if it's fixable, and that leads me to my second bad thing.

I just checked out our money situation. Lately we have been doing so good - saving so much money and paying all of our bills on time and being good adults. But I see that our bank account has dwindled down to practically nothing. And that is mainly because we missed a week of work when we went to Florida. I know I should just calm down and take it as it comes. I mean, Chris gets paid tomorrow and so do I and we will be right back up to where we should be, but in the meantime, I wanted to get my hair cut for my new job. We need groceries. I think we have an automatic bill payment tomorrow and what if we haven't deposited our checks yet!?

I need to take a deep breath. This is how we lived the entire first half of our marriage yet. Paycheck to paycheck, wracking up the credit card bills. If worse comes to worst, we will simply have to use those credit cards again. After all, it's only one day. Tomorrow is when we get paid. We'll be okay after tomorrow. I still don't know how often I get paid at my new job though, and I don't know if there is a waiting period for new employees and I don't know if we'll be able to make it until I get paid there and on and on and on. I want to go get my hair cut just so I can feel good about myself. But then I think I might regret spending money. We will get through this.

Tomorrow we get paid. And if they try to process a payment from our account, doesn't it take a bit to process anyways? So that gives us time? Ugh. I'm freaking out. I hate this. I need to settle down. It's only till tomorrow.

Still here

I am still alive and apologize for not writing sooner!

An update on my previous post "Oh, addicts": S was not on a bender. S skipped out of work. He called into work at 3pm, saying that he just took a day off. The short of it is that he wanted to prove to B that if B wants to dispense of him, he can do it. He didn't want to put up with B's constant criticism. He didn't want to come to work and deal with it.

On the one hand, I could completely understand. I could even agree. B is just...it's hard to even come up with a word that single handily covers all of the issues. I can see why S would not want to come in. I didn't want to either.

But. On the other hand, to go about executing your plan like that is selfish. I was worried sick. Rae and my office manager were worried as well. And to simply call in at 3pm saying you were golfing gives one relief but it also filled me with so much anger. How could he be that selfish as not to think that other people are really worried about him?

B never got ahold of him and they haven't spoken yet. I am going out of town tomorrow and Wednesday and will not be around to see what happens.

That is the short version. B also apologized to me for his rude behaviour though he continued to act the same after his apology was over.

I just wanted to let you all know that I will be back in full-fledged action on Wednesday night or Thursday.

Oh, addicts

I am really worried. S, whom I have spoken about before on here many times, has not showed up for work today. It's 1:40pm. He told me he would meet me here at 8 so we could talk. He had two business meetings. He has not shown up. He has not called. He has not answered his phone for anyone. His mom (who works for us) doesn't know where he is.

I am worried because he is an alcoholic. A recovering alcoholic to be precise. He has been on and off the wagon for 6 months, and was doing pretty good. But B has been up his butthole lately. I know he has been stressed out. He has a problem with drugs and alcohol. Chris has told me to have him go to a meeting with him. S has said he would sometime. But that has yet to be seen.

I am worried. Strangely, it reminds me so much of Chris. It reminds me of when he would not answer or come home or call or anything. And I would go out looking for him. I would drive around looking for his car. I had that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Granted, it was 50 times worse when it was Chris, but this is a fraction of that feeling. I recognize it and hate it.

He is my friend, my good friend, and it is not like him to not show up or call. He is not that irresponsible. He is dedicated to work. So that is why I am worried.

For now, I just sit here waiting to hear something. For now, I just call his phone every hour to see if for some reason he answers. But what happens when he does? Do I offer him some company of myself and my addict husband?

I hope he is okay. He needs to call.

I Hate Myself Sometimes

Sometimes I hate myself. I just had a deeply satisfying, while highly unhealthy, meal for lunch. An order of onion rings and a nacho cheese hot dog. Why, why, why?! Tonight Chris and I are supposed to go out for dinner, supposedly.

And now I feel incredibly guilty. I am going to a concert on Tuesday and am doing so good with my weight loss that I thought for sure I would fit into my jeans by then. But when I eat like this...not looking too promising. Granted, I won't be eating a bunch of things like I had for lunch tonight, but still. I hate myself for doing that; and I wish I could exercise willpower.

It only happens like once a week, but still. Now I set myself back a day. Especially if I go out tonight! So I was talking to Rae and she said just to go out tonight and not eat a lot tomorrow. Even though I said maybe I should just go out tomorrow to even things out. I don't know. I just really want to keep losing healthily and to fit into that pair of jeans!!

It's not the end of the world if I don't fit into them by that exact day - I just really wanted to. I just really thought I could reach that goal. And I'm sure I could if I didn't eat out all week until Tuesday. And even if I didn't, I still wouldn't be at my maximum goal. That was just a little goal in between.

So what do I do? Eat tonight? Or eat tomorrow? At the restaurant, that is. I know it's not the end of the world but I have been so proud of myself for getting this far. I just really thought I could do it quickly. I suppose it I stay diligent all weekend and just eat what I normally do, and walk like I normally do, I'll be okay. But it's Labor Day weekend and I'm sure I will be invited to a barbecue and ugh. I am so obsessive about this.

So one time a week eating like a pig is okay, right? One day of stuffing myself. Just eat out tonight and be careful tomorrow. I just don't want to GAIN anything tonight. Which I'm afraid will happen. It probably will, I don't know what I'm saying. I'll just have to walk a lot.

I hate myself sometimes.

Give me a break!!

Have I ever written about my boss? I don't think I really have. Not the real boss, that is. I have written about my friend the boss, but this boss is nothing like my friend. He is the same person. He has many different personalities.

B has been my boss since February. I liked him since my interview. He is outgoing, friendly, funny - just a fun person to be around. However, he is also the most unique person I have ever met. He is obsessed, in a way that I have never seen, with sex. His life is sex. Now I know there are people out there (I used to be one of them!) who love sex and crave it constantly, but he is beyond normal. He constantly talks about every different kind of sex you can think of. He makes extremely inappropriate remarks, and is a frequent shopper at our local porn shop. He violates the women employees in many ways, but often gives kindly $100 bills "for no reason."

For awhile, I thought he was nice. I thought he was just being kind and compassionate to us poor folks who need money. But I figured it out after awhile that he is basically paying us to stay quiet. Paying us to let him be crude and rude and wrong. He has done so many inappropriate things that I do not even want to mention on here because it is embarrassing and humiliating. Maybe I will mention them on Cuntface.

As I got to know B, he turned out to be nothing like what I originally thought. This is shameful to me because I am usually excellent at reading people and judging them on first impressions. Lately, he has been a real asshole.

He is the owner of the company and has worked with S, my other boss just under B, for the last 15 years. Yet he still does not trust S. S has never stolen, never done anything wrong to B. He is in constant watch over S, checking his timesheets, checking all of his work, and constantly down-talking him behind his back.

My loyalty used to be to B. Perhaps it's because he used to slip me bills, or perhaps it's because I felt "closer" to him. But then I started to work with S. S has become one of my good friends. I see all the work he does. He is not a sexual harasser. Also, I work directly for S.

Yesterday, B came into my office, saw S's payroll (I do all payroll) and complained about it in a not-so-subtle way, yet not-so-verbal way as well. I asked him point blank if there was anything more he would like to see. After typing into his calculator (yes, he is one of those), he said no. He found out all he needed to know - as if he was paying S too much. Let me also state here that this company has no benefits. None. S has never had benefits through this company.

So besides that annoying me, he then proceeded to asked why I had not made S' hours available on the "server" before he left for vacation. We got into a little disagreement then about how I had, they were there, and he just didn't know how to access them. B then went out to ask the computer guy to show him.

I sent him a message stating that I was leaving. And I left. A couple minutes later I get a call from Rae that is saying that he wants the print out of the the payroll. Through a series of events that I will not bore you with, he exploded on Rae about how nothing ever gets done the way he wants. No one listens to him. He then complained to my office manager about how she was not supposed to tell S what he said about S' payroll.

I realize this is getting long and I'm sure it will mean nothing to all of you, but the long and short of it is that he is a huge jerk. He takes everyone for granted, is unappreciative, a micro-manager, rude, and wrong on all sorts of levels.

So today, I was all prepared for a fight. Normally after disagreeing with him for a minute, I will say okay or something to just end it. But I was ready today. I am done being demeaned and disrespected and I was ready to go at it. But he has ignored me all day. It was fine at first, but now I just want to yell at him and get it off my chest. Stop being so immature. We are not 8. We don't ignore. We talk about our problems.

Then again, he has been immature since day 1. What was once his charm is now his downfall.

Update -and- it's my fault

Today is a very good day! I stepped on the scale...and I have lost 11 pounds total! 11 pounds out of the 20 I need to lose, soooo, that is a good day.

I have been waiting and depriving myself of such unhealthy yet delicious food, but when the time comes like this, it is certainly a payoff. I know when I get back to my normal weight I have to be careful about what I eat so I don't go right back up, but I know what to do and I know that I will maintain my weight once I get back there.

Life has been pretty slow lately. There is no traumatic news or huge update to tell you all. I am back at work; and I start my new job on the 10th of September. It is coming quick, and I am little nervous. Starting new jobs always scares me a little. Not knowing anyone and having to learn an entirely new set of rules, systems, etc., freaks me out. But I know I will be fine.

I realize I have not posted Background #5 yet so I promise I will get to that soon. I am not able to write as much during work because I actually have to train someone and concentrate on getting things done because I am leaving. However, I will do it soon.

It's funny that I usually only write a lot when things are stressful and I need to vent. When things are going well though, I guess I just want to savor them and not blog about them. But things with Chris are good. He is attending his meetings regularly and does things around the house so much.

I should really express how grateful and proud I am to him, but like I said, I tend to turn into a cold heartless bitch most of the time. I wish I knew how to not do that. I am the one who is making this not work; I am the one who is making this fail. I wish I could just magically fix that with my magical hoohah.

Now that I think about it, I really need to work on that - I just don't know how. I want to be more loving and open, but I am not doing a good job. I want to show him my gratefulness, my proudness. I am the reason for the problems. He did all he can do. I need to forgive and let go. So hard though. I am being incredibly bitter and shutting myself down. I don't know how to open myself up. He is making so much progress yet I am holding on to the past.

Wow. It's my fault. The way it is now - it's my fault.

8 Random Things

I have been tagged by Missunderstandings. I am supposed to say 8 random things about me...so...here it goes.

1. I love when it is raining in the morning and dark yet, especially when I am not working so I can sleep.
2. I say things without thinking of how they will affect other people all the time. Big mouth.
3. My favorite food is potatoes. I love any and every kind, minus sweet.
4. I love to write. I have written 3 novels. I was in the process of publishing, but I quit.
5. My favorite musical artist is Damien Rice. He can touch your soul like no one can.
6. I have serious friend issues. I become jealous and insecure over everything.
7. I married a crack addict. :)
8. I don't like to get too personal.

I think I get to tag 3 people now. So I am tagging Married to my Ex, Behind Pinned Eyes, and Mantramine.

Anniversary expectations...upheld!

The anniversary yesterday was done very well. Chris woke me up with decorating the kitchen with red streamers and a bouncy bow hanging from the fan. On the table under it was a vase filled with beautiful flowers of all different colors, and next to that was a plate filled with waffles. There was a clean, single plate in front of a chair - all for me. I love waffles so much and haven't had them forever! So I was able to eat waffles soaked in syrup and butter and share them with the man I love.

And my present, aside from a bag of Pizza Combos (yum!!) and a couple candy bars, was a diamond necklace. Yes, a diamond necklace. So he did a couple things right on our first anniversary!

It was a good day. We spent the day together and later on went out for dinner with my family because my siblings are leaving for school. It was a nice day.

I do have some other things to discuss, but I will do that in a different post.

Anniversary expectations

Wow. I really suck at keeping you guys up to date on things lately. Actually, not much has been going on.

Tomorrow is Chris and I's first year anniversary. One year of marriage. It is a pretty big deal to me. If only for the reason that I want Chris to celebrate it and pamper it as he has never done before. I don't know if that will happen. He doesn't take clues very easily - or if he does, he doesn't let on that he let on.

I mean, I literally will flat out say "You should do something very special because it is our first year marriage anniversary." And he will say he knows. But the second I say that, I hate myself because I want him to think of something on his own. This must be the classic female scenario. If you don't say something, he might not do something. If you say something, he will most likely do it and then you will think he did it just because you told him to.

Wow. We women really make life so difficult. Hah.

Either way, tomorrow is the big one year. August 26th. We have made it through one year of marriage. It has mostly been tough. I will say that. It has not been easy. Each day is a struggle. And a lot of days I feel like giving up. Unfortunately, the majority of the days, I lose the struggle to be kind. To give the benefit of the doubt. To start to trust. To laugh. I lose the struggle.

It is sad, actually. Because I will get home from work, and I will shut down. I turn evil. And not evil evil, but I close up towards him. I put on my hard shell. I do not have fun, and that is my own doing. Instead of loosening up and joking and enjoying myself, I shut down and don't do any of the aforementioned things. I am cold. I am cold towards him.

It is slightly late and I am slightly tired so I am slightly rambling. But to sum it up. Tomorrow is our anniversary. I will tell you what he does and if he makes me proud.

Not How I Planned It

I told my co-workers today. Yes, I told S and my boss and my manager. It was really nervewracking, and since I am an emotional crazy person, I feel pretty wiped out from all of it.

It turns out that my good friend Rae (the one in the last bunch of posts) told S. And S in turn told my boss. S took me out for coffee this morning to go over work things and in the meantime, as we were working, he asked if he could interrupt for a moment. And then he said "Are you going to tell me or not?" I looked at him for awhile and then said "I don't want to."

I acted like a fool afterwards and started to cry. He is a good friend to me and was nice about it but I felt like a moron.

I was actually really mad at Rae because while she did help a little by making it easier, I feel like it made me look like a coward for not telling them myself. We all know the reason I didn't. I didn't want to tell them over the phone while I was in Florida. I wanted to tell them in person, but she beat me to it.

She is texting me now, telling me that she didn't mean to but that S was being very pushy. It really doesn't matter. Everyone but my immediate manager knew. I wish they didn't partially - so I could have told them, but I am also a little glad they did know, like I said.

Either way, I wish they would have heard it first from me. S and I finished our coffee and talked about some other life things - it was all around a nice coffee time and he was understanding. I was and still am sad about leaving these people that I have grown to care about tremendously, but it is high time for this position. I have been waiting awhile, and am so excited for it. While I will miss these people a lot, it is time for me to move into a position that I will love - something I enjoy doing and something that I look forward to coming to every day. It is time to start my career.

So tomorrow I have my physical for my new job. Eeks! I hate blood withdrawals and stuff. I'll let you know how that goes.

This post is kind of all over the place so when I am feeling a little more up to it, I will post more details if anyone cares.

Should be proud

Guess who messaged me last night? Yes, M. M the ex. I stared at it for awhile, but thankfully, I was on the phone with that friend from back home, and had some distraction. When I got off the phone, M was still on, still waiting for a response.

Chris and the friend told me to ignore it or to say I was busy. But it was taking all my willpower not to respond. So I text messaged my sister, asking her for advice quickly. She said ignore at all costs. So I did. I ignored at all costs.

And I should feel happy. I should feel proud that I ignored. But instead of feeling a sense of accomplishment and finally one-up-ment, I feel sad. I feel like I am missing out on what could be a beautiful friendship. It could, couldn't it? I know, I know. I am just talking myself into this craziness, and I should be proud for ignoring. But I am not that kind of person. I am friendly. I am nice. I don't ignore. I don't ignore friends.

I know M is not my friend. M has been using me. But what if I needed M? Really truly needed? I know M would be there for me. So is it really using if I just have not taken M up on the "usage"?

But I am reminded, by someone who commented, the reason I am ignoring M is because of my deep feelings that haven't went away. And I need to ignore M because it only wreaks havoc on my emotions after the talking. Maybe I should tell M that I can't talk anymore because of my feelings?

Oh brother. Well. I should be proud, right.

My old job

I know I am a very emotional person. But sometimes things just hit me out of nowhere.

I had to call work today, from Florida!, to answer a call from my boss. Turns out all four of them, which are like the little family, are all on the way to lunch together. It made me so sad! I wasn't with them, and then it hit me that after two weeks, I won't be anymore again. They will go on their lunches without me because I won't work there anymore. It's really sad, quite honestly. I won't be part of the little family anymore.

S was asking if I miss him, and saying he missed me, and that it has been a long time (3 weeks) and again, it will be a lot longer most likely when I quit, unless we hang out together some time, which we have been known to do. A whole part of my life, a part that I have loved, will be gone.

Don't get me wrong - I was and am NOT a fan of the work I was doing there. All I could think was that it was below me. That I was better than it, and that I should not be doing expenses and payroll and answering calls. I should be doing social work. But I loved the people, and that is why I went every day. I am friends with all of them in unique ways. We are all a tight knit group and I won't be a part of that anymore.

So while I am leaving to pursue a job that I will (hopefully) be content in, I am leaving them behind. I am leaving to do what I have wanted to do for a long time. The hard part is leaving this camaraderie, leaving the group of friends behind. When I first started, they told me it was like working with your friends - hanging out with your friends. And they were right (for the most part.) It's hard to weigh the options - stay with your friends and enjoy it but hate your job, or find a job you love and make new friends there.

I didn't know it would be so hard.

News from beyond

Some surprising and exciting news! The phone rang yesterday morning before 9 - hah, needless to say I was sound asleep. The number looked like the future employer that I have been so hoping to work for. Remember that interview I had?

Well, they called a couple days ago, wanting another reference. To be quite honest, I had thought they were not interested in me. But when I listened to my message, (yikes! roaming) she offered me the job! Yes, I got the job! I cannot even tell you how excited I was, am! I have waited a year for a social work job. I have been waiting forever for one.

I jumped up and down and screamed, and then...I realized that when I get back from vacation I am going to have to quit my current job. This actually saddens me because everyone there is like a tight knit group of family or friends. And my friend, the one I have mentioned in the past two posts, works there as well and I will no longer get to see her every day. Or make fun of people every day. Hah.

I know that my boss, the owner, has no clue whatsoever that I am thinking of leaving. The last time I mentioned it was when my manager was being a real Satanic whore and he said that I was just emotional and was probably "on my period." Yeah, he's that kind of guy. Either way, I am going to have to break the news to him when I return and this is not that fun of a thing to think about when I am on vacation.

I am super excited though! This job is going to kick butt - tuition reimbursement (to get my master's!), paid vacations, benefits after one month, and flexible hours. Yes, basically a normal job. But the job I have now is a small company that is just starting to offer insurance. They do not have paid vacations, or tuition reimbursement. The sad part about that is though - the job I have now was going to pay for my insurance entirely.

The excitement of the new job has not worn off entirely though - I am still out of my freakin' mind excited for this and all the possibilities that lay ahead. I am finally in my field. I am finally doing what I have longed to do.

So that is my post from Florida. :) Exciting news on vacation!

Florida

Well after a long hectic day of flying and driving, I am finally here - Florida! I cannot guarantee I will be on every day to chat and talk. We brought the laptop in case we are bored, or in case we need to find something to do around here.

I am tired and stressed out. We got into the condo and our room had not even been cleaned! I do not know where we will sleep tonight. Sleeping on someone else's nastiness is NOT appealing to me in the least.

Also, I am homesick. I am a huge dork, but I have always been like this. I am sorry for my dear husband, but that is just the way I am. Hopefully I will snap out of it by tomorrow. Anyways - that was just a quick update! Try to check in more later!

The next phase

That friend from the previous post has sunk out of the "I don't care" phase and entered the phase of crying, depression, and not caring about anything else.

She didn't come to work today and when I talked to her she told me that she had been having a horrible two weeks and simply needed a day to cry. So that's what she was going to do. She is really my greatest friend right now but this guy is no good for her.

She works with me (who doesn't??:)) and has missed days already for completely unprofessional reasons and treated the "missing days" like trivial things. I know that if I were not so close to her, I would recommend her *ss get fired! Not because I am Satan, but it really is completely wrong what she has been doing.

That's a different post. This post is about my feelings about this guy. I have hung out with him and her and I think he is awesome. I can see how he would cheat though. He is extremely flirtatious, touching me and flirting with me in front of Chris, in front of my friend. But I did not picture him as someone who would go beyond that simple harmless touching flirty thing. And now, the question is not whether he did or not. Actually, it is no longer a question. He lied.

He lied to her. And if a guy is going to mess you up this much, enough to make you sit at home alone and cry all day when she should be making money to support her and her son, he is a loser.

She tells me how he comes over every morning before work (he is in a Huber facility) and bangs on the door until she lets him in. Why, I say? Why? You said you were going to leave him alone, not talk to him or anything until you figured out what you wanted to do. She said that if she does not get the door, he will not stop banging on it and it is embarrassing to her. Well then call the cops. I know she loves him.

But the picture she is painting is not looking good. He is possessive; he has no intention of "letting her go." He will come everyday and bang, bang, bang until she opens the door. He told her she cannot go out drinking, even though she told him that she was taking a break from him. He said whatever guy she is talking to, he will send his brother out to beat him up.

I was watching something today about abusive relationships and this struck me as a little odd. I didn't say anything. I don't think he is abusing her, or ever has. I just think he is beyond possessive and that if she really, truly wants a break, she needs to set her boundaries. Who cares if he is banging on the door? Let the neighbors call the cops then.

I know, so much easier said than done. And I know she loves him and part of her wants him to come every day because it shows he still wants to be with her. I know she loves him. And I still support her. And he was always cool when we hung out. But this just doesn't feel right.

I know this isn't about me, but my life has been so good and so boring lately! I don't have much to say! I could write the next part of my life, but none a ya all have read Background #4 as it is!!

Cheaters

I just don't understand. What is it about men? My recently-became best friend just found out her boyfriend is cheating on her. And to make matters worse, the other woman told her. To make them worse than that, he lied about it upon the initial confrontation.

Yes, he straight up lied. It has taken days upon days of her asking, of him denying, of her ignoring - until he finally admitted it. He hasn't confessed to all of it, not yet, but he is still a dog. It is so sad. She has been there for him through everything - when he had cancer, when he was in the hospital - and this is what he does.

What is up with guys? Drugs, sex, (rock and roll hah) - they can't seem to get enough of it, from everyone. Why can't they just be happy with what they have? Is it really necessary to go out and do more drugs or kiss up on some girl?

Or is our fault, the women? Are just too stupid and blinded and naive to think that our men just simply love us and want to be with us and make us happy, when in reality they are screwing anything that breathes? I realize that sometimes great relationships (JW and G) are formed out of affairs, but I feel horrible for my friend who has been living her life in happiness and trust and now this. She is now in the "I don't care" stage which is possibly one of the worst.

That stage - in all its glory - brings about actions of nonsensicalness. But I think that even when we are in deepest stage of "I-don't-care-ness" we really do. There is still some part of us that cares about what happens or what doesn't happen.

All I can do is sit and listen and comfort and offer my words of advice. When she wants to know what I would do, I honestly have no clue. This is one of the first times I don't act like I know what I do - don't proclaim to know everything. Because how many people would have told me to leave Chris? I know cheating on someone is different, but is it that much different?

Besides, I have recognized this in myself so much lately - who am I to judge? I am not going to judge her for what she picks because I don't know what the right way is. If he makes her happy, then good. If he is her "one", then I am not going to fault her. In fact, I don't even have that in my normally judgmental head.

What I am thinking is that I love this girl. And I have absolutely no fricken clue what I would do. After this past year, I am different. I stayed with my addict. No one has the right to judge that. After this past year, I see more clearly that no one will ever fully know why one person stays with another. If he makes her happy, then I am glad she would stay with him.

Either way, she hasn't made a decision yet but she is torn up.

This post is so clearly just a bunch of ramblations but oh well.

$161

I am so bothered! Chris and I are going on vacation, in case all ya' all don't read past posts - and I have been quoted TWO, YES TWO, times as the price to rent the car, my age and all, at 161. $161!! That is insanely good and I have looked, oh believe me, I have looked.

So today, I call that place, the $161 place, and they said, "Okay, after taxes and blahblahblah, it will be $291." $291!? Are you fucking kidding me? That is insane, and I am so fricken' mad about that. Why the hell don't you say $291 to begin with? Why do you lie to me, when I gave you the exact same information last time I called?

Why the hell did you say $161 if you really meant $291?! You get my hopes up and you don't even mean it! That is just wrong!!

Fricken' liars. Why the heck are rental cars so expensive for us 23-year-olds? We are good drivers! Or at least I am, minus that speeding ticket I got 2 weeks ago! So come on!! So fricken' aggravating.

Gave up

I feel refreshed and wonderful this morning. It is Friday so that could be one of the reasons. Also, I feel like things are a little more settled. My parents are coming for dinner on Sunday night (oh, no!! diet will be out the window!), and Chris and I are going to Florida on Wednesday for a week. It will be nice to regroup and to refocus on our relationship.

This morning when I got to work, I read a blog that really reminded me of me. Mantramine posted some incredible things. She talked about how she had already walked away from her husband in her heart and how she was excited to no longer have him, or more likely, this problem of drug addiction in her life.

This affected me so much, I cannot even put it into words. I withdrew from my husband as well. Strange, I was going to write "she was excited to give up on him." The words give up are not what I meant at all, at least not in the sense they are usually meant. I meant it in the way that I change it to. But when I read that giving up, what I myself wrote, I realized how accurate that was in my own life.

When I first came to grips with the fact that Chris was addicted to crack cocaine, not only did I feel relief but I felt that we could work through it now. Now that the truth was out. But as I delved further into how deep his lies had taken us and as I realized how seriously in trouble we were in on so many levels, it seemed impossible.

And soon, I didn't want it in my life. I didn't want him in my life. I, in essence, gave up. And I don't think it was because I was weak. I don't think it was because I didn't love him anymore. It was because he had caused too much damage. We had lost so much money, so much respect, so much freedom, and the worst thing to me was trust. I simply did not think I could get it back. And honestly, I didn't care. I didn't want to. I was excited to let go and be done with the entire situation.

Perhaps that was because I now knew I could make it on my own. Perhaps it was because if I had to go live with my parents no one could blame me. Perhaps it was because I knew that M would be there for me if I left Chris (when in all actuality M had no plans to be with me). But I had walked away from him in my heart.

When I finally decided to walk back, it was so hard. I still am not fully there. Like Mantramine said, "detached" if she goes back. And it is not only hard to go back, but it is hard to be detached to begin with. It's hard all around.

So I am back. I am back in my heart. I care. I do. And I am giving this a fighting chance. The detachment is different. It is so hard not to wonder if he has used again, why he is gone so long, why he is not answering his phone - so many things. But it's one step at a time for me, one day at a time. I hope one day I can be fully there, not always guarding my heart.

Detachment is different than what I mean there, I believe. But it is hard nonetheless. Each day is difficult, sometimes increasingly so. But if I really want it, I can do it.

Budgeting

We sat down after I got off work last night and discussed our finances. We layed out a budget, which has been too long in coming. Then he called credit card companies to see what he could do about setting up a payment plan. It was a huge blessing - combined, two credit card companies dropped over $1500 for us. Not like we are special, but they dropped the late payments and overcharges and interest. I feel like we are not so deep in debt now.

We are still deep, but now it is beyond reasonable. We can pay things off a lot quicker than before. I feel so much better. It was also really nice to sit down and discuss things and handle things like adults. To figure out how much we are taking in and how much we can put out.

The next step is rebuilding our credit and I think that will be much easier than this. We do not plan on using our credit cards unless for emergencies, and now I can't wait to buy a house. My friend's sister has her realtor's license so I was able to look at houses we could afford. It is so exciting even though it is so far away. I can't wait to build that dream - to have our own house, and have our animals there, and get a puppy.

It is so exciting. Even though I do need a new car. Either way, I am so satisfied and happy that we finally got what was looming over my head settled. Now we just have to keep track of when bills are due and how much of it is due.

One baby step though - a giant leap for mankind.

Redeeming Myself

I hope so, at least.

M called about 1/2 an hour ago. I was on the other line at the time, so I looked at it, smiled to myself, and ignored it. Three minutes later, another call. I ignored it again.

No voicemail, but a few minutes later again, a text message reading "Made a mistake Please disregard my phone call" I am not sure what that means. Does it mean M made a mistake calling tonight, or calling last night? Does it mean M made a mistake because feelings are actually presenting themselves, or because I was offended by some comments?

I am itching to text back and need some encouragement, quick! I simply want to know what M meant! That's all! I feel like I am not being able to shove it in M's face the way I want to. I want to be able to send a text of question and get a response, and then ignore that. This just seems like I am doing just what M wants. Disregarding. And I want to disregard on my terms. I want to disregard with a dagger to M.

A dagger for using me. A dagger for coming back into my life. A dagger for thinking I would always be there. A dagger for the insults, when M knows absolutely nothing about me anymore, and never will. A dagger right to emotional heart.

Mean, I know. But honest. So I am torn between texting back to find out what M meant or simply not writing back at all ever.

I can be strong, right? I can stay above the temptation. I can. But it's so hard.

What a friggin idiot

Oh, why did I not listen to myself? Why did I not get that note of encouragement so badly needed to help me stay in the right direction (from Amy)? Instead, I saw it after I was nearly off the phone with M.

Yes, M called last night, and we talked for nearly 1 and 1/2 hours. I mainly listened, offered a little advice here and there, and then listened some more. Towards the end of the conversation, the focus was on me and some things M knew about back in the day. It turned sour quickly. M's opinion is based on M's own experiences and really doesn't know anything about mine. I started to take offense and ended up saying "Okay, well I don't really want to get into it so I'm going to go now. Have a good night." And M said "Whatever" or some snobby comment, and I said bye and hung up.

The reason for the offending is something I am not ready to get into on here yet, but it was strictly none of M's business anymore and nothing M would be knowledgeable about. Also, M has no idea of anything that has been going on. M does not know about Chris' crack addictions and the mess we are in. It offended me for M to presume to know things, to know how to solve things, to tell me something was easy when M has no clue.

Either way, I was a stupid idiot for even conversing. I know I was being used and I was okay with it. But I wish with all my heart I would have ignored the call. I wish I could have rejected M so M would know that I am not interested in these games. Which a couple of months ago, I wasn't. I told myself I wasn't. I wasn't going to do the half-ass things of talking once every couple months and that's it. So I need to stick to that.

I can do better than M. It was a good time in my life, a great time, but I am not going back to it and not looking back. I was hurt and M was hurt, and I am not interested in giving up some more of my heart to M when I am already a little too vulnerable for my liking.

I kind of wish M would call just so I could not answer. Hah. Evil, I know. But I need to practice some of the advice I gave - don't be so readily available. You're not in a relationship anymore. I wish I wasn't so f-ing dumb about it last night. I wish I would have been strong!!

I wish I would have not answered. M would have known why and I would have known why and it would have been a great message to send and now I am beating myself up.

Stupid stupid.

The Call

That old lover called last night. Apparently, M's relationship fell apart. M is again single.

For some sick and twisted reason, I found pleasure in that. I found that pleasure because the last time I talked to M, I was told that even had I decided to not marry Chris and to stay with M, it would not have mattered. M would have went off to be with the new flame the second it was possible. That crushed me.

Here I was, months into my marriage, wondering if I made a huge mistake by not picking M and wondering if M missed me, felt the same about me. But no. M had moved on beyond me, so far beyond there was not even a thought. And that's what was said.

So when M got ahold of me last night and told me that, I didn't know just what to think. "Old school advice" is what was said, but I can't help but thinking that M just was coming back to something familiar, something that gave solace, something that gave comfort. And why not go get advice from the one best friend since elementary school? Why me?

I couldn't talk long because my sister was coming over and she would not approve of this conversation. I told M that. Why did I tell M that? There was really no reason. No need to say that. But M said I should not say anything to my sister about us talking and I should call later.

Through the movie all I could think of was calling M. I am so pathetic! I am a married woman - my husband is in the next room! But I started to entertain thoughts of grandiosity - of me going over there, of talking, of starting something up. Maybe not even something romantic, but something on terms of friendliness again. Something where we are central in each other's lives as the greatest friends again.

I miss that - our friendship. The easy going way we had with each other. But I don't think it is possible to have again. We sabotaged it when we forged ahead with a deeper meaning to the relationship. And when that part ended, so did everything else good about us.

I wonder if this is how it will be though. Calling each other when we need to talk, when we need the "old school" comfort or when things get tough. We have that connection. Will it always be there? Will it always be there in that way that it is now? When we haven't talked for months and something sad or tragic happens we can just call each other up because we know we will be there for each other, and that we have that bond?

And if it is like that, I'm not sure it is safe. Every time the feelings for M seem to die down, there M is, right back in my life. I am so obviously not over M, and when we were in a relationship it was pretty unhealthy. Not that any relationships before that or after that were healthy, but nonetheless. I would do everything in my power to make M as happy as possible, usually disregarding my own feelings in the process. And I can see myself slipping back into that same pattern every time the phone rings.

M said nevermind about calling later then (too late) and we never did get to talk, but I layed awake for awhile thinking about the situation and situations to come and talking to M and not talking to M. I wonder if M will call back today. I highly doubt it. It's a new day. I bet clarity has come and I will no longer be needed. Yet I will hope I do get a call which is so dangerous and so wrong. I don't need this.

Why do I want it. I know no call will come - it was a moment of weakness on M's part, I can tell. And while I am busy conjugating things in my mind that I want to happen, M will be moving on. Like normal.